RE: YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!!
Most days, I feel like you are my extended family. I spend an enormous amount of time with you. Hell, I spend more time with you that with my own kids, my husband, and certainly my friends. But if we are being honest with each other, I think we both know I never would have chosen to have a relationship with you. Awkward. We think differently, dress differently, we are different ages and we have completely different priorities. You are single and I am a working mom.
Although I appreciate your unique qualities, it is time I am straight with you. You have a LOT of really annoying habits that are affecting my performance and (more importantly) driving me fucking crazy!!! For your convenience, I have listed them below:
- Please stop leaving your nasty shit around the office. I have had it with the mugs of dried up coffee with lipstick stains, the Tupperware with remnants of your orange chicken lunch. Either wash it at the office or take it home and show it to the dishwasher.
- Please respect our shared space. We have separate cubicles but a shared desk. I really try to be considerate but I swear that if you don’t stop banging your elbows on the desk and humming that Bruno Mars song…I will leap over this partition and choke a bitch. Got it?
- Please stop stealing my food from the shared fridge. Ok, it is true that I cannot trace it back to you. I haven’t hired a private investigator to take pictures (yet) but I know it is you. The same way I know my kids raid my chocolate stash at home. If it happens again, I am going to put cat food in my “leftover tuna casserole”. Surprise!
- You have to stop close talking. I know I haven’t told you that your breath stinks like a thousand pounds of rotten trash but my constant offer of Altoids, Tic Tacs, and mint gum should’ve been a clue. Either start brushing your teeth after you have finished your coffee or back the fuck off me.
- Learn how to use email. You hitting “Reply ALL” to company-wide email messages with a really thoughtful “Thanks!” to the entire organization is just embarrassing. Also, stop sending me emails when I am RIGHT ACROSS FROM YOU.
- Please stop telling me how “busy you are”. If you have time to tell me about it, you aren’t. Honestly I know busy- it is what happens when you work full time and have three kids.
- I know you are healthy, now shut up about it. I don’t care that you biked to work and ate cage free egg whites this morning. I barely have time to pour frosted flakes in a bowl. Also, stop saying: “Oh, that looks like it is fat free”- at anything I am eating. Fuck off. I eat what I want.
- If you ever heat shrimp up in the microwave again, I will kill you. I know there isn’t a sign up banning this behavior but have you missed the stench that follows every single time you heat up your famous shrimp dish in the microwave??? I will tell you that everyone else in the office smells it, and smells it, and smells it ALL DAY LONG!